The Life I've Always Wanted

I've been working on being positive. It's not easy for someone like me. I don't know when this whole negativity thing started inside me but now it's just easier for me to see life through dark glasses. I know I wasn't always like this. I was positive before, I had faith, I trusted God. This got me through many rough times when I was younger. I just want that back- viewing life as a free child of God- loving it, participating in it with full zeal.

Ever since Chetan was  born, I've been thinking that I've gotten a raw end of the deal. Having him has severely limited me in many ways. I look at all the independence and enjoyment of my other friends and then look forlornly at my day-to-day existence of watching Chetan and keeping the house in order, etc. It's not easy to stay at home. Women, just like men, need activity for their intellect- they need the companionship of fellow beings who can talk with them on their level. Being with a one year old child, all day, every day can really dry a person up.

But lately I've started to take a really good look at my life- to find out what it is that I've really wanted- what is making me feel like things are amiss- like I'm missing out. If I didn't have this life, what kind of life would I have wanted?

I looked back in the recesses of my mind, to thoughts, feelings, longings that I had since I was 15 or may be even before. And to my surprise I saw that the life I'm now living is exactly the kind of life I've always wanted. To be clear, for as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be married to someone who I totally adore. I wanted kids. I wanted my own home, my own life. Ofcourse I wanted much more than this but at the heart of it all, I wanted what I already have. 

So why the discontent? I think the discontent is because for a long time I've been listening to and wanting to be like the world- wanting to do what the world says is good and better not what God thinks is good and better. I haven't been listening to the voice of God and because I've neglected him, I'm not living fully in the life that He has given me- the life that I've always wanted. 

I am seeing that wanting to live up to what other people have and aspire for always leaves me with a feeling of being beneath the mark. Sure, I can be inspired by others but I need to live life on my own terms and in what I and God know to be the best for ME. That's the only way to live.