About Lions

One of the greatest joys of seeing kids grow up is their pure innocence and joy in the small things in life. Chetan being 4 years old is forever excited about one thing or the other.

Lately, he has been fascinated and obsessed with Lions. I think most kids love animals and so does he- but his favourite animal is the Lion. Here are tid bits of his conversation about lions.

- Mama, I want to be a Lion when I grow up.
- Darling, don't you think you'd like to be something else. It may not be biologically possible to be a lion.
- Ok, then since I'm so smart, I'll become a doctor.

One day I had made fried liver with garlic...
- Mama, is this lion liver?
- No, this is goat liver.
- Why don't we have lion liver?
- Because lion liver is hard to get.
- Why?
- Because Lions live far away in jungles and they are difficult to catch. Can we stop talking about liver baby- I won't be able to finish my food otherwise.

- Mama, is Diya scared of Lions?
- No she is not scared of anything.
- Will she be scared if the Lion tries to eat her?
- She may get scared then... yes.
- What will she do if the lion eats her?
- Well, Mama will never let a lion eat her so don't worry.

Such terrific questions from my first and most precious bundle of joy. He is getting so big and tall- I almost feel like he is looking just like a grown up boy. And I don't want him to grow up so soon.

Leaving

I don't like leaving people or places. I suppose nobody does. There have been a few places that I have been happy to leave but as I am getting older, I notice that leaving is getting harder and I get more attached than I used to. Still, leaving Unnao is a smallish task compared to the number of heart breaking times I have had to leave my family and compared to the time that I left the country that I loved (the US) for good.

Since we completed two years in Unnao last December, we have been talking about and praying about and even dreaming about leaving Unnao. We are tired of the mosquitoes, of small-town living, of hindi-speaking, salwar kurta wearing people. We are more than ready to be done with our ever present electricity problems. There is hardly anyone who understands us and hardly anyone who we can commune with on our own level.

But still I am finding it hard to leave. I have loved this house- its space, the safety it offered, its surroundings, its unique beauty. I loved walking down to the train station with Chetan every evening where we would talk and buy cold drinks and chips everyday while sitting on a little ledge watching trains go by and enjoying our snacks. I loved going vegetable shopping right near the train station. What a special time it was with Chetan and this kind of treat will not be offered to me in a city.

More than the place, though, I will miss the people. The everyday people of my life. I feel so sad leaving my maid. For 2 full years, she has been part of my life everyday. She has not only worked for me but has shared in my life and has allowed me to share in hers. She has been such a good friend.

But most of all, the reason why Unnao will always have a special place in my heart is because this is where my boy grew up. This is where he learnt to sit, crawl, walk, ride a tricycle, use a potty. This is where he formed his first words and ate his first real solid foods. This is where we celebrated his first two birthdays and Unnao was the perfect place for a little baby to grow up to be a toddler.

Yet, I learnt at a very early age that even though leaving offers heartaches and inconveniences, it also opens new doors. It lets you meet people who could affect your life profoundly. It makes you appreciate the every day life and the every day people simply because you never know when you might have to leave them again, so you just learn to appreciate what you have for the time being. Leaving creates richer experiences for you to experience and gives lessons for you to learn which you never may have learnt had you not left. And best of all, leaving presents you with the opportunity of drawing strength and comfort from God.

Looking back a bit

March 10, 2010. That was the last time I blogged. It has been a crazy time since then- a whirl of activity- too much going on.

- I gave an entrance exam for Isabella Thoburn College. I am giving 2 more entrance exams for 2 different colleges. This exam was nuts or to be more specific, it made me feel as though I was nuts. It was totally tough. I couldn't have passed it by a long shot. The icing on the case was that we had to write an essay in Hindi. Why we had to write an essay in Hindi, I have no idea and why we had to write an essay at all when we were told that the entire test will be objective/multiple choice is beyond me. And the topic we had to write on: Privatization of Colleges and other institutions. Hello!

- It's perhaps God's way of telling me that I wasn't supposed to attend this college because quite frankly, everytime I thought about having to leave Chetan for 9 months, I came close to tears. I don't know if I ever could have done it. But what drew me to this college was the fact that it is renowned. And it's B.Ed. degree is the best ever. The college prepares you to be an excellent teacher in the Indian system and that was something I needed.

- Mom came to be with us in March and I was so blessed by her visit. And Chetan was thrilled to have his Aji around. He still refers to the bed where she slept as Aji's bed. It was nice to spend time on a daily, minute-by-minute basis and share our thoughts about our lives. It's just so wonderful to have a mother who is Godly, caring, going out of her way helpful and loving. Oh and she came packed with goodies bought by Sewa, some relatives and mom and dad. How I savoured those goodies! I felt like a little girl at Christmas.

- It is hot here. I can't yet say that it is insanely hot. But the thought about what is to come almost drives me to insanity. I just can't think straight about how we are going to survive this. The feeling inside me is the closest to the word fear. I actually fear the summer. The heat feels like murder- actually sapping life out of you. Today it is 43 degrees and presently the electricity is going 12-14 hours a day. It almost seems to me like the government or whoever provides us electricity is out to kill us.

- There are some positives about the heat though. One is that the clothes dry in less than an hour. The curd sets in two hours flat. Mangoes are already appearing on the scene and so will watermelons. If you fill water in buckets and leave it for a few hours, the water becomes cold and then you periodically immerse yourself in said water and this actually enables you to survive the heat from 1-4pm.

- Chetan has grown taller. He's skinny but he's taller. He's eating better but not as well as I'd like. I suspect this is because of the weather. Samir and I have already cut our meals in to half and our evening meals now are no longer full course meals. It's impossible to eat dal and roti and sabzi. All of it just makes you feel sick and it make me feel sicker to enter the kitchen to cook an Indian meal. Last night we had macaroni and cheese with tuna (courtesy of Sewa)and a vegetable salad with a bowl of curd afterwards and it was the most delightful meal we had had in forever. Not one bite was left of the meal and it took me only 10 minutes to prepare it all.

- Chetan can now say his ABC's, courtesy again of Sewa. It's so cute the way he says it. He sings ABC's totally off tune and he says T instead of P. He's speaking well and is managing to express himself in Hindi too. He gives us no problems with sleeping now and though we still struggle with behaviour like defiance and saying no to everything, on the whole he is one phenomenal kid and he brings much joy to our lives.

- Samir and I are learning to not say anything negative to him or about him in front of him. We have stopped saying anything against him even when he is sleeping. We discuss any negativity when he is out of earshot. We are learning to condone the behaviour and not the person. We are learning to praise him more and more. We talk positively about him to other people. This was a big step for both of us.

I will try to keep a better update on the blog. Stay tuned.

Calcutta and more

2 weeks ago I did the unthinkable. I left Chetan for three whole days, four whole nights and went to Calcutta. It was such a strange and exhilirating thing to do. It was the kind of thing I would have not thought twice about pre-marriage and it just felt wonderful to do something purely for my sake. The trip turned out to be great for all of us and I came back with the knowledge that perhaps a mother leaving her child to the care of his father and going travelling somewhere just for pure pleasure had probably never been done before in our patriarchal-dominated land.

While I was gone, it seems that Chetan was on his best behaviour. He was so good infact that some of our relatives didn't even recognize him to be the same person. Samir was able to discipline him in 2 or 3 important areas which I had been trying to work on for months. I was humbled by this but also thankful.

Now a few weeks later, things have never looked more rosy with Chetan. He still misbehaves but nowhere near how he used to before. His eating habits have improved by almost 70%, I tell you no lie. It's amazing to see the difference in him. I thank God daily when I see him eating. I am ever so mindful of the prayers that were put into making him eat. I am thankful to God for answering those prayers. I pray that he keeps eating and becomes a strong and healthy boy.

Here is what I loved about my trip to Calcutta:

1. I got to travel alone and hence I got to sleep and eat and do whatever else I wanted at my whim. This is impossible to do when Chetan is around. In fact, when I travel with Chetan- I rarely am able to sleep at all as I cannot fit him and me on the same berth at night.

2. I was fascinated with the train I took- it was the cleanest train I had ever taken. The service was lovely, the bathrooms were always sparkling. It started and reached its destination on time and it didn't stop at even one stop all the way from Calcutta to Kanpur. I still can't believe that such a train exists.

3. I was so gratified to share in Leona's special day. To be able to see her get married, to help her out with the wedding details, to get to know her family- it was so worth it for me to be there. I thank God for the friendship that I have with her.

4.Though I couldn't visit any places in Calcutta or do any shopping there, I loved the fact that I could visit a new city, a new state and get an overall feeling of how that city breathes and lives everyday.

5. I picked up a great book while I was at Leona's. The Space Between Us by Thrity Umrigar was so intriguing that I read it in its entirety during my train trip back to Kanpur. I could relate to this book totally. It is about two strong women- a middle class woman and her maid and their separate but intertwining life. Every Indian middle-class woman who has a maid should read this book. It convicted me on several points .

Every Rose has its thorns

Lately things have been a bit glib for us. Not overall glib but just that these past few weeks have been trying times. This past weekend found Samir and I just barely coping with Chetan's discipline issues. He's been so excessively cranky and so whiney that it is blowing my top off. He's still sick and gets a bit of fever everyday. I'm still sick. Samir is sick of us being sick.

I might have figured out why Chetan is acting so scummy. Yesterday when he opened his mouth wide, I noticed that 2 of his back molars are coming in. I am sure these are causing him some pain and therefore the irritation and also perhaps the fever. Sigh! It's hard growing up. Today I slapped Chetan twice and then he cried so much, he went to sleep- not before saying, 'don't beat me' many times. Me slapping him really knocked the wind out of me- I felt so bad but I am running out of patience. There is not one single thing that he willing to comply with- he says no for every single thing. I have tried to be patient, firm, loving, consistent, but he just refuses to listen. I'm just hoping it's cuz of the molars and nothing else.

I have to attend a wedding in Calcutta this weekend and I just don't know how I will go but I really almost have to, need to go. Sigh. I usually love weddings but how can I manage the travel and all the pace with Chetan- I don't know.

I didn't pass my exams and this was a big bummer for me even though I already had calculated my marks and knew that I wouldn't pass. It's really tough for me because I've never failed in much of anything but now I am unable to get through these exams.

Since the beginning of December, I have had such an acne problem and it is getting no better almost 3 months later. It's getting to the point where I cannot go out and face people because my face has such huge blemishes. I don't know why or how many years I must have to suffer with this problem.

I haven't heard from the school I applied to either and I know that I should not set myself up for disappointment but I thought that by Unnao's standards, I would definately get a call from them and I haven't.

All these areas, the acne, the lack of job, chetan's behaviour, the exams- they are obviously taking a toll on my self esteem. There are many feelings of discouragement and not knowing where my life is headed or if it counts for anything. I know that life isn't always going to be like this but still today I am struggling with a ton of insecurities.

I did read the account of Daniel in the lion' den and I was encouraged by this man's example:

1. Even though he was a slave, his hope and salvation rested in the Lord.

2. He had high principles and wonderful habits. He was in the habit of praying and thanking God three times a day since his early days. HE would not compromise his values, principles for anything, not even his life.

3. He believed in God. He trusted in his God and did not depend on his circumstances. His situation did not colour his outlook in life.

The Lord always finds a way to encourage me.